David Sedaris Quotes.

1. "All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments."
- Quote by David Sedaris

2. "When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon. It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security."
- Quote by David Sedaris

3. "Sometimes, when I find it hard to sleep, I’ll think of when we first met, of the newness of each other’s body, and my impatience to know everything about this person. Looking back, I should have taken it more slowly, measured him out over the course of fifty years rather than cramming him in so quickly. By the end of our first month together, he’d been so thoroughly interrogated that all I had left was breaking news—what little had happened in the few hours since I’d last seen him. Were he a cop or an emergency-room doctor, there might have been a lot to catch up on, but, like me, Hugh works alone, so there was never much to report. I ate some potato chips, he might say, to which I’d reply, What kind? or That’s funny, so did I! More often than not we’d just breathe into our separate receivers. Are you still there? I’m here. Good. Don’t hang up. I won’t."
- Quote by David Sedaris

4. "It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection."
- Quote by David Sedaris

5. "He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face."
- Quote by David Sedaris

6. "Weird doors open. People fall into things."
- Quote by David Sedaris

7. "Its funny how certain objects convey a message -- my washer and dryer, for example. They can't speak, of course, but whenever I pass them they remind me that I'm doing fairly well. "No more laundromat for you," they hum. My stove, a downer, tells me every day that I can't cook, and before I can defend myself my scale jumps in, shouting from the bathroom, "Well, he must be doing something. My numbers are off the charts." The skeleton has a much more limited vocabulary and says only one thing: "You are going to die."
- Quote by David Sedaris

8. "Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like."
- Quote by David Sedaris

9. "Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face."
- Quote by David Sedaris

10. "On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind."
- Quote by David Sedaris