Are You There Quotes.

1. "I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

2. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

3. "I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?"
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

4. "It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

5. "My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

6. "My father has a high opinion of his opinion"
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

7. "Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?"
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

8. "My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

9. "He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

10. "Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail."
- Chelsea Handler, Are You There

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