Cadillac Beach Quotes.

1. "Wall Street: I’d start carrying guns if I were you.      Your annual reports are worse fiction than the screenplay for Dude, Where’s My Car?, which you further inflate by downsizing and laying off the very people whose life savings you’re pillaging. How long do you think you can do that to people? There are consequences. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But inevitably. Just ask the Romanovs. They had a nice little setup, too, until that knock at the door.      Second, Congress: We’re on to your act.      In the middle of the meltdown, CSPAN showed you pacing the Capitol floor yapping about under God staying in the Pledge of Allegiance and attacking the producers of Sesame Street for introducing an HIV-positive Muppet. Then you passed some mealy-mouthed reforms and crowded to get inside the crop marks at the photo op like a frat-house phone-booth stunt.      News flash: We out here in the Heartland care infinitely more about God-and-Country issues because we have internal moral-guidance systems that make you guys look like a squadron of gooney birds landing facedown on an icecap and tumbling ass over kettle. But unlike you, we have to earn a living and can’t just chuck our job responsibilities to march around the office ranting all day that the less-righteous offend us. Jeez, you’re like autistic schoolchildren who keep getting up from your desks and wandering to the window to see if there’s a new demagoguery jungle gym out on the playground. So sit back down, face forward and pay attention!      In summary, what’s the answer?      The reforms laws were so toothless they were like me saying that I passed some laws, and the president and vice president have forgotten more about insider trading than Martha Stewart will ever know.      Yet the powers that be say they’re doing everything they can. But they’re conveniently forgetting a little constitutional sitcom from the nineties that showed us what the government can really do when it wants to go Starr Chamber. That’s with two rs.      Does it make any sense to pursue Wall Street miscreants any less vigorously than Ken Starr sniffed down Clinton’s sex life? And remember, a sitting president actually got impeached over that—something incredibly icky but in the end free of charge to taxpayers, except for the $40 million the independent posse spent dragging citizens into motel rooms and staring at jism through magnifying glasses. But where’s that kind of government excess now? Where’s a coffee-cranked little prosecutor when you really need him?      I say, bring back the independent counsel. And when we finally nail you stock-market cheats, it’s off to a real prison, not the rich guys’ jail. Then, in a few years, when the first of you start walking back out the gates with that new look in your eyes, the rest of the herd will get the message pretty fast."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

2. "Do what you love and you’ll always be happy.’ Who said that? Charles Manson. No, wait. He said, ‘Kill all the people in the house.’ Who am I thinking of?"
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

3. "Impossible’ isn’t in my vocabulary, said Serge."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

4. "I’ve had an epiphany and decided to completely dedicate my existence to a full-court press for the truth. All else is now irrelevant. Everything in my life up to this point has been bullshit, and everything afterward will just be epilogue. What’s ‘epilogue’? Bullshit that comes later."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

5. "You realize that gay-bashing is the IQ demarcation line of the subzero intellect?"
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

6. "What is it about doctors that makes them think they’re a superior species? First they demand a special title in front of their names, and next they’re treating everyone else like the subterranean Morlock race from H. G. Wells."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

7. "You fuckin’ guys! You have no idea what it’s like on this side of the little paper smock. You ever been in one of those managed-care Sam’s Clubs? You can’t just let your fingers do the walking. Then I read this article, and I almost hemorrhaged when I found out there are medical seminars teaching doctors how to manipulate a patient’s wait—they’ve actually done cost studies on how long people will tolerate the lobby, when to move them to the examining room, and how long they’ll wait there. Which is longer than you’d expect because, after all, ho! ho!—you’re in The Room! Then they instruct doctors to chop up the wait some more by sending in the nurses for blood pressure and other tap dancing. And you’re thinking, Hey, foolish to leave now—this is almost like actual treatment!"
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

8. "You see, life’s all about possibilities. Opportunities are everywhere, except most people are locked into rigid routines and mortgages and clipping coupons and aren’t even looking. But I see possibilities in everything: tangible objects, memories, thin air. It’s at once a blessing and a curse."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

9. "That’s the number-one rule in life: Always do what makes you feel better at all times. That’s three number-one rules now. Rule Number One is that Rule Number One is whatever you want it to be at any time based on self-interest, blinding rationalization and petulance. At least that’s the code everyone in this country seems to be operating under."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

10. "Always remember: Your thoughts are God’s gift to you, divinely bestowed by the all-knowing life force of the cosmos that’s been running through everything since the first stars were born. Every one of your ideas is special. Every one is sacred."
- Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach