The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel Quotes.

1. "Armageddon reigns, and survival on this planet gets down to brass tacks, the last three left standing will be cockroaches, viruses and probate attorneys. Fade to black, check please."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

2. "The pair sat relaxed and stared toward U.S. 1 at nothing in particular. Coleman rested his joint on the edge of the window and popped a beer. This is the life. You said it, buddy. Serge uncapped a bottle of water. Florida, a full tank of gas, and no appointments."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

3. "It only fed my post office psychosis. Whenever I’m in one, and almost to the counter, I keep repeating to myself: ‘Please don’t put out the Position Closed sign; please don’t put out the Position Closed sign; dear God, don’t let him put out the sign; please, please, please, I’m almost to the counter! I made it! I finally made it! He didn’t put out the . . . Wait, what’s he reaching for? . . . Fuck!"
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

4. "Oh, I’m with the government all right, said Serge. But when I say ‘with,’ I mean in the context of I’m in favor of it because otherwise there are no streets or postage stamps, and everyone wanders the woods carrying their own mail and looking at the sun to know when to eat until there’s an eclipse and everyone’s blind. That’s why you should vote."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

5. "Caught’ is a funny word, said Serge. Most criminals catch themselves, like getting stuck at three A.M. in an air duct over a car-stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying and screaming from the ceiling, and the fire department has to get him out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or, even more embarrassing, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, then you actually need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-reflect."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

6. "Florida City? Coleman dropped a Vicodin. So that’s what that string of motels is called? Serge nodded. Actually a funny story. Used to be called Detroit. Coleman swigged a pint of Rebel Yell. Now you’re making fun of me because I’m wrecked. Swear to God. You can look it up, said Serge. I wouldn’t shit you. I know, said Coleman. I’m your favorite turd. And naming it Detroit wasn’t even an accident, like the other times when two pioneer families set up shop in the sticks and there’s no one else around to stop them, and they’re chugging moonshine by the campfire, ‘What should we call this place?’ ‘Fuck it, I already spent enough effort today running from wild pigs,’ and then you end up with a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas—you can look that up, too. Except modern-day Florida City started as an ambitious land development with hard-sell advertising and giant marketing geniuses behind the project. Then they had the big meeting to concoct a name: ‘I got it! What do people moving to Florida really want? To be in Michigan!"
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

7. "The brain wasn’t engineered to deal with that rarefied level of dumbness."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

8. "Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running after sticks, said Serge. They probably don’t even know why they do it. They just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who isn’t behind the wheel says, ‘Why are we stopping?’ ‘Something inside just told me to because there’s a really cool crash up ahead. It’s weird; I can’t explain it."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

9. "Another tip to weld society together. Give the person up to bat at the ATM plenty of space so they’re not nervous about you peeking at their PIN number or slipping a blade between their ribs the second the money spits out."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

10. "It’s the big new bridge, said Serge. Takes you right across Lake What-the-Fuck. Is that another real name? No, said Serge. That’s what I call it. It’s really named Lake Surprise. But surprise is usually something good that provides delight, like winning the lottery or reaching in the back of the fridge and finding an unexpected jar of olives. But this lake got its name because it pissed people off. How’d it do that? Another funny story. When Henry Flagler started the Overseas Railroad down the Keys, he looked for the route with the most land, because bridges over water cost more. So he sent out surveyors, and they began laying tracks south from the mainland of Florida, across some little islands and an isthmus to Key Largo. And I can’t believe they built that far before realizing that right in the middle of a big chunk of land was this giant lake, and now they have to build an extra bridge that wasn’t in the budget."
- Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide: A Novel

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